Sobriety is not my friend.
I woke up this morning with a splitting headache, the general litter and detritus strewn around me had an air of mocking superiority, that only a Big Gulp Slurpee cup can have when it has traveled further abroad than the person who is drinking it.
And so it was with great displeasure that I discovered I wasn't drunk anymore, but was still on a spaceship.
Bandai was sitting at the main console, tapping away at the keys in a fervor.
"God damned hypocrites"
it is curious to note that hypocrasy was a relatively new discovery in most of the other planets of our galaxy. The story goes that a young cephalopod from Beta Persi, a beautiful planet whos' shimmering sandy deserts would eb and flow like that of an ocean, once a thriving tourist attraction, but due to the destruction of one of the moons in an interstellar game of lunar croquet, a curious game played by slamming a suitably large electron ram into the side of a moon pushing it through any naturally forming asteroid belt often resulting in the disintergration of the moon, The sand-tides of Beta Persi became erratic, wiping out whole cities in a matter of minutes causing the tourist trade to drop off drastically. The young cephalopod, whose name history records as Geroge, started a campaign to call the halt to all games that required a large planetary body as a ball. the campaign was mildly successful till a disreputable news source discovered that the whole thing was a coverup for Georges offworld lunar mining operations. Due to the recent addition of the word "Hypocrites" to galactic common language, it was often missused in conversation by life forms who just didnt understand the premise.
This was one of those occasions.
Bandai smashed the keyboard with his fists, letters flying off in every direction. It turned out that due to earth being destroyed, Bandai had missed out on the last episode of his favourite TV series.
"Belgium, Man!"
(for those of you unaware, in all other parts of the galaxy, the word "Belgium" is a highly vollatile swear word, uttered only by those in extreme distress and the hardest of space pirates.)
"This is so unbelieveably Belgium"
A light started to blink importantly on the console. In a huff Bandai swiveled around in his chair.
"Welcome" He said "To the Starship Christmas"
The quizzical look i gave him must have prompted an explanation, because he shortly offered one. He nodded to the Guide.
"look it up"
The guide gurgled quietly and began to talk
"Scientists began research into how Santa is able to carry and deliver presents to all of the children on an infinite number of planets within a single evening."
"....Santa" I interrupted "Is an alien?"
Bandai simply gave me a perturbed look and turned back to the console.
"The science behind it is this, Santa is able to deliver presents to a infinite number of children on a infinite number of planets within 24 hours. Scientists pondered this for centuries, wondering how one being was able to achieve what should be a virtual impossibility. It wasn't until a bleak wednesday morning when a young scientist awoke thinking about lime green sports jackets and not wanting to work ever again. As he sat casually in a rocket chair on his front porch he began to think about the causality of nature, by causing one thing to happen, you inevitably cause something else to happen. It was this premise that led him to think about the reindeer guiding santas sleigh. It occured to him that the reindeer, whilst in flight, were still pawing at the 'ground' as if a solid object was under their hooves. upon closer inspection it was discovered that the reindeer didn't infact move through space, it was space that moved around them. leaving the reindeer and sleigh solidly planted in one position for the duration of the journey and enabling santa to be home in time for dinner every night."
The blinking light was starting to speed up until all of a sudden the Visi-screen was filled by a bustling space port. ships of all shapes and sizes were cruising in from deep space orbit to dock and let the crew off for a little bit of R and R. Bandai smiled.
"Welcome to Barnard Star"
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
DON'T PANIC! (Change font to big friendly letters, Hearts and kisses Management)
Today is a Wednesday.
I've always felt that wednesdays were the worlds version of a litmus test, a cruel joke concocted by our forebearers, who even now are laughing whilst sipping fine brandy in the comfort of a recliner with their close friends in the afterlife.
"What" They said "Shall we do to create the opportunity of hope for the masses"
The men all sat around shaking their wigged heads.
(For in those days wigs were merely a fashionable apparatus, rather than a way of covering hairless patches on men, whom having only comparitively recently evolved from apes and descended from the trees, you would assume that losing more hair would be a celebrated occasion rather than a reason to spend money on an expensive hairpiece.)
They discussed the virtues of each others ideas, debating the legalities of this, the ineptitude of that, never quite agreeing on a way to approach the subject.
Then one of the younger unwigged gentlemen perked up, his eyes were bright. It wasn't often he had an idea of this magnitude and he was sure it would work, it just had to, they were running out of brandy, and the store was already closed for the evening.
The general problem with most of the other ideas was this, They assumed people were happy pretty much all of the time, This is obviously incorrect.
The young gentleman proposed to give people a choice.
In this way people have been able to experience a duality of pessimism and optimism once a week for the better part of human history.
The problem with this is that once you realize the psychology behind the working week, you don't want to work anymore.
It was just so on this particular wednesday morning for myself.
I had just had one of those reflective dreams, the kind that leave you drained when you wake up but are never able to remember the specifics except for that beautiful lime green sports coat you got to wear.
A dream in itself isn't worthy of mention without the events that followed, and led me to making this, my first blog. I thought considering the circumstances that it was only right that I documented the adventure that is now being proffered to me.
And so it begins with a dream and a lime green sports coat. Waking up knowing that something had changed within me but not being able to remember what, or how, except to know that i was doomed to roam this planet, an inconcievable speck of dust on an inconcievable speck of dust. What can we as people accomplish that truly matters? how do we process the thought that as far as we know, we are alone in the magnitude that is the universe? these questions plagued my mind as i stumbled through the horror that is wednesday.
It is at this point in my story that life is about to change drastically for me, as you are no doubt well aware, anxiety is a dillapidating condition that can render a man helpless, so it is in the hope of allaying any anxiety that i tell you im about to come face to face with alien life whilst people run screaming around me. It can safely be concealed though, what the name of the alien is, as that bears absolutely no importance to the story.
During the process of my day, i managed to find myself at a pub near on lunch time. What followed was a long session of drinking to drown the sorrows of a man whose life seemed no more significant to him than that of a koala who was high as a kite on eucalyptus. Not just a little bit intoxicated myself, i struck up a conversation with a rather odd looking fellow who happened to be seated next to me at the bar. It was without joy that i revealed to him the futility of my morning following the revelations of a dream i didn't remember.
It was around this time that people started screaming, the people that were outside began to run inside, at the same time telling all the people inside that they should run out.
It was curious to see how people responded to this, first thinking that the newcomers were simply telling them something was outside so they could steal their seats, but upon realizing that the bar was largely empty three things happened in quick succession.
1) The bartended got a look of displeasure on his face as he realized all his customers were leaving without paying.
2) I went outside with my new friend,
upon seeing the giant yellow spaceships hanging in the air exactly the way something the size of a small city block shouldn't,
3) He told me his name was Bandai, that he was from another planet and that should i wish to see the universe and possibly find a way to make a lasting impact, that i was welcome to come with him, but given the current circumstances I would not be allowed to sleep on my decision as if i didn't have narcolepsy, I wouldn't have time to complete my REM cycle before the giant yellow spaceships destroyed the earth.
It should be noted at this point, that the alien has been revealed, and that any excess anxiety caused by the screaming of people and the sudden demise of the earth is your own problem and should be dealt with by a psychiatrist at your own convenience.
Given the options and the inexplicable yellow city block hovering above my head, i thought it rude not to take Bandai up on his offer. He led me around the back of the pub to a small car hitched to a team of dogs.
"oh good, i'm drunk." it was a relief to know that everything that had been happening to me in the last 12 hours had been the delusions of a wiley bottle of tequila.
Bandai fidgeted around in his jacket and pulled out a small silver box with a single red button on it, he pressed it pointedly, the dogs began to shimmer in a way that made me think the tequila was looking for a way out of our agreement to keep me drunk. The dogs shimmered untill they took on the unmistakeable form of reindeer wearing spacesuits. The tequila at this point settled down and agreed that being drunk seemed like the best course of action.
"Ignore them" Bandai nodded at the reindeer, "they will only want to talk if you pay them any attention, and we don't really have time for that right now."
The car had also shimmered and, having only seen one other spaceship before this, changed into what can only be described as cute. It looked, for all intents and purposes, like a giant inclosed sleigh. The sheen of the metallic red paint glinting in the glow of the yellow spaceships, i stood staring at it as Bandai walked up the ramp disappearing into the dim interrior, slowly and cautiously i followed, confused and thankful that the alcohol i had consumed earlier seemed to be doing its job perfectly.
and that is where i must leave you for now, as i type Bandai is preparing the ship and getting ready to launch, i am documenting what is the most momentus day of my life in this handy little contraption he gave me, he keeps calling it "The guide"
There is definitely one thing i like about it, on the front, in big friendly letters are the words
'Don't Panic'
The most useful thing anyone has said to me all day.
I've always felt that wednesdays were the worlds version of a litmus test, a cruel joke concocted by our forebearers, who even now are laughing whilst sipping fine brandy in the comfort of a recliner with their close friends in the afterlife.
"What" They said "Shall we do to create the opportunity of hope for the masses"
The men all sat around shaking their wigged heads.
(For in those days wigs were merely a fashionable apparatus, rather than a way of covering hairless patches on men, whom having only comparitively recently evolved from apes and descended from the trees, you would assume that losing more hair would be a celebrated occasion rather than a reason to spend money on an expensive hairpiece.)
They discussed the virtues of each others ideas, debating the legalities of this, the ineptitude of that, never quite agreeing on a way to approach the subject.
Then one of the younger unwigged gentlemen perked up, his eyes were bright. It wasn't often he had an idea of this magnitude and he was sure it would work, it just had to, they were running out of brandy, and the store was already closed for the evening.
The general problem with most of the other ideas was this, They assumed people were happy pretty much all of the time, This is obviously incorrect.
The young gentleman proposed to give people a choice.
In this way people have been able to experience a duality of pessimism and optimism once a week for the better part of human history.
The problem with this is that once you realize the psychology behind the working week, you don't want to work anymore.
It was just so on this particular wednesday morning for myself.
I had just had one of those reflective dreams, the kind that leave you drained when you wake up but are never able to remember the specifics except for that beautiful lime green sports coat you got to wear.
A dream in itself isn't worthy of mention without the events that followed, and led me to making this, my first blog. I thought considering the circumstances that it was only right that I documented the adventure that is now being proffered to me.
And so it begins with a dream and a lime green sports coat. Waking up knowing that something had changed within me but not being able to remember what, or how, except to know that i was doomed to roam this planet, an inconcievable speck of dust on an inconcievable speck of dust. What can we as people accomplish that truly matters? how do we process the thought that as far as we know, we are alone in the magnitude that is the universe? these questions plagued my mind as i stumbled through the horror that is wednesday.
It is at this point in my story that life is about to change drastically for me, as you are no doubt well aware, anxiety is a dillapidating condition that can render a man helpless, so it is in the hope of allaying any anxiety that i tell you im about to come face to face with alien life whilst people run screaming around me. It can safely be concealed though, what the name of the alien is, as that bears absolutely no importance to the story.
During the process of my day, i managed to find myself at a pub near on lunch time. What followed was a long session of drinking to drown the sorrows of a man whose life seemed no more significant to him than that of a koala who was high as a kite on eucalyptus. Not just a little bit intoxicated myself, i struck up a conversation with a rather odd looking fellow who happened to be seated next to me at the bar. It was without joy that i revealed to him the futility of my morning following the revelations of a dream i didn't remember.
It was around this time that people started screaming, the people that were outside began to run inside, at the same time telling all the people inside that they should run out.
It was curious to see how people responded to this, first thinking that the newcomers were simply telling them something was outside so they could steal their seats, but upon realizing that the bar was largely empty three things happened in quick succession.
1) The bartended got a look of displeasure on his face as he realized all his customers were leaving without paying.
2) I went outside with my new friend,
upon seeing the giant yellow spaceships hanging in the air exactly the way something the size of a small city block shouldn't,
3) He told me his name was Bandai, that he was from another planet and that should i wish to see the universe and possibly find a way to make a lasting impact, that i was welcome to come with him, but given the current circumstances I would not be allowed to sleep on my decision as if i didn't have narcolepsy, I wouldn't have time to complete my REM cycle before the giant yellow spaceships destroyed the earth.
It should be noted at this point, that the alien has been revealed, and that any excess anxiety caused by the screaming of people and the sudden demise of the earth is your own problem and should be dealt with by a psychiatrist at your own convenience.
Given the options and the inexplicable yellow city block hovering above my head, i thought it rude not to take Bandai up on his offer. He led me around the back of the pub to a small car hitched to a team of dogs.
"oh good, i'm drunk." it was a relief to know that everything that had been happening to me in the last 12 hours had been the delusions of a wiley bottle of tequila.
Bandai fidgeted around in his jacket and pulled out a small silver box with a single red button on it, he pressed it pointedly, the dogs began to shimmer in a way that made me think the tequila was looking for a way out of our agreement to keep me drunk. The dogs shimmered untill they took on the unmistakeable form of reindeer wearing spacesuits. The tequila at this point settled down and agreed that being drunk seemed like the best course of action.
"Ignore them" Bandai nodded at the reindeer, "they will only want to talk if you pay them any attention, and we don't really have time for that right now."
The car had also shimmered and, having only seen one other spaceship before this, changed into what can only be described as cute. It looked, for all intents and purposes, like a giant inclosed sleigh. The sheen of the metallic red paint glinting in the glow of the yellow spaceships, i stood staring at it as Bandai walked up the ramp disappearing into the dim interrior, slowly and cautiously i followed, confused and thankful that the alcohol i had consumed earlier seemed to be doing its job perfectly.
and that is where i must leave you for now, as i type Bandai is preparing the ship and getting ready to launch, i am documenting what is the most momentus day of my life in this handy little contraption he gave me, he keeps calling it "The guide"
There is definitely one thing i like about it, on the front, in big friendly letters are the words
'Don't Panic'
The most useful thing anyone has said to me all day.
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