Sobriety is not my friend.
I woke up this morning with a splitting headache, the general litter and detritus strewn around me had an air of mocking superiority, that only a Big Gulp Slurpee cup can have when it has traveled further abroad than the person who is drinking it.
And so it was with great displeasure that I discovered I wasn't drunk anymore, but was still on a spaceship.
Bandai was sitting at the main console, tapping away at the keys in a fervor.
"God damned hypocrites"
it is curious to note that hypocrasy was a relatively new discovery in most of the other planets of our galaxy. The story goes that a young cephalopod from Beta Persi, a beautiful planet whos' shimmering sandy deserts would eb and flow like that of an ocean, once a thriving tourist attraction, but due to the destruction of one of the moons in an interstellar game of lunar croquet, a curious game played by slamming a suitably large electron ram into the side of a moon pushing it through any naturally forming asteroid belt often resulting in the disintergration of the moon, The sand-tides of Beta Persi became erratic, wiping out whole cities in a matter of minutes causing the tourist trade to drop off drastically. The young cephalopod, whose name history records as Geroge, started a campaign to call the halt to all games that required a large planetary body as a ball. the campaign was mildly successful till a disreputable news source discovered that the whole thing was a coverup for Georges offworld lunar mining operations. Due to the recent addition of the word "Hypocrites" to galactic common language, it was often missused in conversation by life forms who just didnt understand the premise.
This was one of those occasions.
Bandai smashed the keyboard with his fists, letters flying off in every direction. It turned out that due to earth being destroyed, Bandai had missed out on the last episode of his favourite TV series.
"Belgium, Man!"
(for those of you unaware, in all other parts of the galaxy, the word "Belgium" is a highly vollatile swear word, uttered only by those in extreme distress and the hardest of space pirates.)
"This is so unbelieveably Belgium"
A light started to blink importantly on the console. In a huff Bandai swiveled around in his chair.
"Welcome" He said "To the Starship Christmas"
The quizzical look i gave him must have prompted an explanation, because he shortly offered one. He nodded to the Guide.
"look it up"
The guide gurgled quietly and began to talk
"Scientists began research into how Santa is able to carry and deliver presents to all of the children on an infinite number of planets within a single evening."
"....Santa" I interrupted "Is an alien?"
Bandai simply gave me a perturbed look and turned back to the console.
"The science behind it is this, Santa is able to deliver presents to a infinite number of children on a infinite number of planets within 24 hours. Scientists pondered this for centuries, wondering how one being was able to achieve what should be a virtual impossibility. It wasn't until a bleak wednesday morning when a young scientist awoke thinking about lime green sports jackets and not wanting to work ever again. As he sat casually in a rocket chair on his front porch he began to think about the causality of nature, by causing one thing to happen, you inevitably cause something else to happen. It was this premise that led him to think about the reindeer guiding santas sleigh. It occured to him that the reindeer, whilst in flight, were still pawing at the 'ground' as if a solid object was under their hooves. upon closer inspection it was discovered that the reindeer didn't infact move through space, it was space that moved around them. leaving the reindeer and sleigh solidly planted in one position for the duration of the journey and enabling santa to be home in time for dinner every night."
The blinking light was starting to speed up until all of a sudden the Visi-screen was filled by a bustling space port. ships of all shapes and sizes were cruising in from deep space orbit to dock and let the crew off for a little bit of R and R. Bandai smiled.
"Welcome to Barnard Star"
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